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by Michael Shepard
Family is one of the great characteristics of God’s kingdom, as "father” is characteristic of God Himself. Ephesians 3:14,15 states, For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named (NKJV). Family, both natural and spiritual, is meant to be fruitful and fulfilling. However, family can be fickle and frustrating as well! Principles and guideposts are needed to navigate through the waters of developing a successful family. We have found certain values in “doing life” together as a family that have become “hangers” to help keep our family sharp and unwrinkled. Three valuable things we have enjoyed the most are communication, tradition and affirmation. Let’s explore these…
Communication…what a catchword in our culture! Communication is an adhesive, or glue, that holds the members of a family together in the midst of their diversity and difficulties. For years we have enjoyed a function called the “family rally.” We meet weekly on an agreed hight for the purpose of communication. At our family rallies we encourage each other, confront one another, go over schedules, dream, laugh, cry over defeats and celebrate victories. The atmosphere is such that we all have permission to speak freely without fear of reprisal, and everything is done in an attitude of love. Typically, we end each family rally by praying for each other. In the splintered world in which we live, our family “circles the wagons” each week in order to work at and declare that we are together! We have found that having a strategy for family communication has a deeper effect of bonding than just relying upon spontaneous, as-you-go communication. Try it! Come up with a simple pattern that fits your family, commit to it through the ups and downs, and watch what God does!
Another key to unlock success in our daily communication as a family is a three-part principle: Repent quickly, forgive quickly and bounce back quickly. From time to time in our family relationships, we have what we call “cold wars.” This is when we have all our “nuclear missiles” lined up against each other and ready to fire. The atmosphere is very tense as a result of offenses or hurts between us. In these inevitable difficulties, we have learned that we have to repent quickly, forgive quickly, and bounce back quickly. Paul said it like this: “Be angry and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:26, 32 NKJV). So go ahead...step up to the plate, swing the bat of repentance and forgiveness, bounce back into unity and score as a family!
Tradition is also very valuable in holding a family together. The word tradition can conjure up a variety of responses. Tradition can be seen as something without life that is attended with meaningless ritual, obligation and stress. Tradition can also be seen as something that creates belonging, is full of life and brings a sense of safety and security. Proverbs 22:28 states, Do not remove the ancient landmark which your fathers have set (NKJV). Landmarks were boundaries that reminded people of what they possessed. For our families, landmarks can be the traditions that remind us of our inheritance in Christ. They are reminders of our belonging, identity and destiny as a family.
We have enjoyed a number of traditions as a family that have provided a sense of security and strength. These include our traditional “family nights.” On these nights it’s just us, and we do what we want to do as a family. It may be going to the movies, eating at our favorite restaurant or staying at home and playing a game. The key is putting the night on the calendar a month ahead of time. This gives us a sense of stability that acts as an anchor for our family time.
We also have the tradition of dates. I’ve had a date with my wife and each of my daughters for years. I’ll date my wife twice a month and my daughters once a month. Through the years we’ve done a variety of things correlating with the season of life we’re in. Some of the dates cost money, others didn’t…it really didn’t matter. What matters is that we’ve built a history of prioritizing each other relationally by a life-giving tradition.
My wife and I also have a tradition of quarterly getaways, where four times a year we go somewhere alone to enjoy ourselves. We also have a one-on-one annual getaway with each of our daughters. I have taken each of them on a shopping trip to the Mall of America in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The memory of being in one particular store for four hours holding clothes has been burned into my memory for years! Yet the memories of traditions that have bound our family together are burned into our hearts for a lifetime!
So enjoy your traditions and create new ones. There’s nothing like holiday events, family hobbies, vacations, and family inside jokes that nobody else understands. These are all valuable traditions that are priceless and, in time, become family landmarks.
Affirmation is the third important ingredient in a healthy, happy family. It takes three things to cause a plant to grow: the seed, the soil and the atmosphere. Similarly, it takes these things for a family to grow. Applying the truths of Mark 4, the seed is the Word of God, and the soil is a right heart. With a heart for our family and a commitment to godly principles, we simply need to “rain” on it the atmosphere of affirmation!
A family that lives in a climate of affirmation creates a “greenhouse” for growth. Encouraging words, accentuating each other’s strengths and an attitude that believes the best are all demonstrated through spoken words, notes, gifts and acts of service. The saying holds true: “Love communicated grows—kept within, no one knows!” As you demonstrate affirmation for one another regularly, God’s potential for your family becomes a reality!
You may say, “It’s too late…I’ve made too many mistakes.” But it’s never too late to do some things right! Repent, if need be, reload with godly principles for the family and restart in faith! Wherever you are as a family, you can begin developing a legacy of fruitfulness and fulfillment.
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